Sunday, 1 April 2012

The Clothing World Cup

I have discovered why it takes women do long to get ready when going out:

Women hold a wardrobe tournament every time they choose what to wear when going out; I was in the pub having a discussion with friends about why it takes women so long to get ready and what became apparent was that the choosing of the garments to wear is the bit that takes the longest. If a woman getting ready to go out was an iceberg, then the hair and make up part is the one eighth visible above the surface, and the choosing of clothes is the seven eighths below the surface that invariable sinks your passenger liner, killing hundreds. So as I see it, when a woman starts deciding what she is going to wear, everything in her wardrobe(s) is a possible option. And what follows is basically a tournament where various items are eliminated based on their lack of suitability. It starts with the 'Group Stages' where the best or favourite items from the different clothing groups, Footwear, Trousers/Skirts, Blouses/Tops, Dresses, Jackets, Handbags, Accessories, and Coats are chosen. Only the top 2 items from each group go through to the knockout stage - and one of the groups is always known as 'The Group of Death' because it has more than two really nice items in it, and a tough decision has to be made and some 'Favourites' do get eliminated early.
Once the group stage is complete, then the Knockout stage commences. This is where it gets really interesting. At this point the woman has a vague idea of the outfit she wants to wear - but doesn't see it clearly in her mind. Items from different groups are put together to see how they go. For example, one of the two tops or blouses that made it through from the group stage are put up against a trouser or skirt that qualified from their group. Now, the woman may like the trousers but the blouse doesn't go with the shoes that have already made it through to the Semi Final, and so the blouse is eliminated. This process is repeated until the semi finals fixtures are sorted.
Now the semi finals are a nervous affair. We are no longer talking individual garments here, but more about entire outfits. Invariably, one key moment decides these matches, and it is no different for clothing. The woman may suddenly remember that she wore that outfit (or one very similar) quite recently in the company of some of people she will be seeing later on that evening. And because of that, she can't possibly wear it again so soon and it is eliminated. It's a cruel way to go out, but that how it goes sometimes.
And so we get to the final; the two best choices of outfit go head to head for glory. They are laid out on the bed - in the shape of a person (because that helps the woman visualise the outfit) - and the final choosing takes place. There are nothing between the two outfits, and they cannot be chosen between in normal or extra time. So it goes down to the dreaded penalties. And in terms of clothing, the 5 penalties are 5 important questions:

1: Will my underwear show though it (i.e. black bra under pastel blouse, or VPL)
2: Is it a bitch to iron?
3: Does it make me look like my Mother? Or worse, my Uncle Barry?
4: Will I be altering it all night because deep down I'm not sure I can still carry this look off?
5: Does it make me look fat?

A 'yes' to any of these questions is the equivalent of blazing a shot over the bar, whereas a 'no' is a brilliantly taken penalty that gave the keeper no chance. So the outfit that receives the least 'Yes's is the winner, and the chosen outfit for the evening.


And that is why it takes women so long to get ready.

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