Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Age, Dark and Lazy, Complimentary Hooker Service...and The Woo Hoo Man

I am almost 41 years old.

Today, I received two compliments - one forehand compliment, and one backhand compliment. Firstly, the forehand compliment; I was told, by a beauty therapist, that she thought I looked about 30 years old. Whilst extremely pleased by this, my initial thought was "she needs glasses" - because although I like to think that I might look younger than I am, even I know, that I don't look that young!

Fortunately the backhand compliment evened things out for me. I was told, by a bearded Welshman of immense quality and loveliness, that I "was one of those people who can look anywhere between 30 and 50 years old"
50? 50!!?? Dear lord, the day that anyone sees me looking 50, tell me and I'll go home and hide under the duvet!
Unless it is my 50th Birthday, of course. That 'compliment' brought me right back down to earth, I can tell you. I'll admit there have been days where I might have felt 50 - but I wouldn't say that I've ever looked it.


But, as I said earlier, I am almost 41 years old. In my 41 years I have amassed a vast amount of knowledge, I have become somewhat articulate, talented, and many other wonderful things that all of us as human beings become during the journey that is life.

So why am I still so stupid?

Why can I not, after living in my house for almost two years now, remember how many stairs I have when the lights go out?
I'm talking about the stairs from my living room up to my bedroom. They go 7 stairs, then a small landing, and then 3 stairs to the right, and I'm in my bedroom. There is no light on my stairs. I have a light in my bedroom, operated by a pull cord at the top of my stairs, and I have my lounge lamp in the corner furthest in my stairs - so I am always walking upstairs in darkness when going to bed.

In the time I have lived here I have walked up and down those stairs thousands of times - 7 to the landing, turn to the right, then 3 up to my bedroom. And yet whenever I turn off my lounge light on my way to bed, when I get to the stairs, my brain says "Hang on - I didn't know we had stairs?" For some reason, when plunged into darkness, I systematically forget the layout of my stairs.

As a result, I walk slowly up the stairs stubbing my toes deliberately as I kick forward, feeling for when I reach the landing - whilst at the same time leaning against the bannister so that I know that when it ends I am near the landing.
When I reach the landing, I turn to my right, continue walking - but now start groping in the air for the light cord to turn on my bedroom light. There have been many times when I have failed to find it at first, and have stood there, twirling on the edge of the top step, risking falling backwards down the stairs as I try to find the light cord.


And I'm no better in the kitchen. Sometimes, I'll bring a cup of tea to bed with me. Now, my kitchen light is in the opposite corner to the door that leads from my kitchen to my living room, and the door to my living room swings shut all the time.

I have got into a bad habit of making a cup of tea, then switching off my kitchen light - and not being able to find my cup of tea. So how do I solve this problem? Do I turn the light back on, pick up my tea and THEN switch the light off?

No. I prefer the "sweeper" method. Very simply, this involves me crouching slightly so that my shoulders are just higher than the work surface, extending one arm over the work surface - and then sweeping that ATM back and forth over the work surface as I move along it, until it hits my cup revealing its location. This method never fails to work, and is why my kitchen is such a mess all the time. I could just wedge the door to my living room open to let more light in, but that's just too much hard work. Lazy - that's me. And easily confused in the dark.


Why is it, that whenever footballers are caught with hookers, A) it's always several hookers, and B) it's always in a hotel room? Surely these people earn enough money to be able to buy a small, secretive place where they can meet these hookers? Maybe they don't want to spend their money on a property that will only be used as an illicit love nest, when there are obviously hotels around that provide complimentary hookers upon arrival?

And how many hookers does one person need? Having too many would be like plate spinning - you'd have to keep going back to them at different stages to ensure they were all still spinning, and in the end still end up with smashed plates. Apart from the obvious physical numerology requirements, anything past two is a bit of a waste isn't it? Unless these footballers pay an extra few hookers just to sit there and tell them how much they love the way the footballer crosses the ball?

How would you order your complimentary hookers anyway? Would it be a simple enquiry when you check in - or does that sort of thing vibe under the heading of "Room Service"? And would your hookers get replaced and topped up, like the mini bar??


Finally today, how do you get a job as a "Woo Hoo" man? You know the guy that tells a live studio audience to clap and cheer when they come back on air after an ad break? How did he get that job - was the interview panel an audience of 100 people that he has to work into a frenzy? Maybe he just started out as a runner, and worked his way up to 'Audience Exciter'? Can you get training for that?

And what happens if one day he starts taking his work home with him? If he commutes, would he leave a trail of whooping and cheering people all the way home?

Maybe they can't do that outside of work - maybe it's because they spend all day getting people to be excited and cheer, that they can't get excited or show it at home. If that is the case, it is a terrible shame........




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