I can dish it out, but I can't take it.
I spend large quantities of my time crowing like a Cockerel with an over-inflated sense of its own worth about all the good things that I do. Regular readers of my blog will know that I refer to Karma quite a lot, and basically say that if you do good things, good things will happen to you. And I do believe that, honestly I do.
But as much as I genuinely love helping other people out, I sometimes hate myself for it, and I find it virtually impossible to accept help from friends.
There are times when I should say "no" to people - to friends, but I don't because isn't that what a real friend does? Always be there for his/her friends? But what if in being a friend, the friends puts him/herself in a bad position? Is true friendship sacrifice?
I am something of a hypocrite. I will do anything for my friends - but will most likely complain about it to myself. And I don't complain about my friends asking for help exactly, just the fact that I don't think they truly realise the situation I am in, and the impact my gestures of friendship has on my life.
I struggle financially, quite severely. Although I have no debt (credit cards, loans etc.) I have slipped back into a pattern of taking out a small overdraft each month to cover my cash flow shortage, and then pay it off when I get paid next. I get paid in 20 days time, and I have approximately £14 to last me until then. I need to put enough petrol in my car to take me to
Sign Language class for another 2 llessons (a 42 mile round trip). I get about 9 miles to the litre out of my car so 42 x 2 = 84 / 9 = 9.3333 x £1.40 (average price of petrol) = £13.06. Then I need to get some basic food for the next three weeks. I have been planning ahead already and have got extra milk which I keep frozen, and plenty of pasta and jacket potatoes etc. I will be able to make "job lots" of meals that I can split into two or more portions. But I will still need to get a few bits.
And then there is a local comedy night on the 24th March. My friend is going with his dad and a few people, and I have been invited. His father has already bought my ticket (£12), and I will need money for beers - £25 should cover it.
So I need over £50 to see me through to next payday. I haven't got it. So I will take out an overdraft of £75 to cover me. This will be paid back when I get paid - but as a result, my 'spare' cash for April will be about £30. And by spare cash I mean money left after I have paid all bills and allocated money for food.
So I won't be able to go anywhere in April. My Birthday month, and I won't be able to celebrate. Just like last year when I did nothing for my 40th, because I had no money.
I will not let myself get into debt again. The last time it happened, it eventually cost me the love of my life, because I had huge debt which she paid off for me - but the financial strain that put on us overshadowed our relationship, and (I believe) was one of the contributing factors to our downfall.
I also don't think my friends realise just how bad things are for me. Virtually all my friends are couples, or have a family. They have more than one income coming into their households. I don't - it's just me. So I have to watch every penny I spend, and every drop of petrol I put in my car. So when I get asked to drive somewhere or pick somebody up, my friends don't realise the impact that extra mileage will have for me. And of course I say yes - I would help anybody if they needed me too, but I pay a price for it.
To be honest, I think I suffer from depression a bit. My mum suffered with it terribly, and I don't know if it is hereditary. But there are genuinely times when I wish that I didn't have any friends, and that I just lived far away from everybody where I could just live by myself and just worry about myself. I think that is partly why I want to live in the Highlands of Scotland so much, because it is remote and away from civilisation.
At the moment, I am not happy with my life. Although I know I am a good person, deep down I still don't truly love myself yet. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a normal way. And because of this, I find it hard to let other people love me, or do things for me, or even pay me compliments. For example, last night I was out with friends for an Indian. I was sat next to a woman, and we had to make space for the food to arrive. There was a small vase with a rose in it, which she pushed towards my side of the table. I joked "a flower? For me?" to which she replied, "you're so pretty!" My automatic response was "should have gone to Specsavers"
My knee-jerk reply to any praise or compliment is always negative. I can't take praise or compliments because I don't praise or compliment myself. There is a good possibility that some friends will read this and will want to help. Now that is very kind - but I can't take your help. The way I see it, is that I have to do this myself. Nobody got me into this situation, this was all my own doing. I know that if I don't sort myself out, it will destroy me ultimately. But I have to do this alone. I already feel like some friends see me as a charity case. Again, I'm sure that is not true, but it is my perception of myself. I hate not having the money to do what I see as being normal - pay my bills, eat properly, and be able to treat myself by either going out with friends or buying myself stuff.
My workbooks are falling apart, but I cannot afford to buy new ones. My walking boots are going the same way, and are crippling my feet in the process - but they are even more expensive. My laptop has been broken for almost a year now - I can't afford to get it fixed or buy a new one.
But I am a hypocrite: I complain about having no money, but I spent £8 tonight on lottery tickets. I also went out for a meal and beers last night.
But I am a hypocrite: I say that I am a good friend, and yet I complain about the effects my friendship has on my own life. Plus, I don't want anybody's help.
But I am a hypocrite: I tell you all how terrible my life is, and yet I don't really do anything about it. Well I am, but it's difficult because I am weak.
But I am a hypocrite: I complain about my lack of love life, and how appalling my romantic record has been - but in truth, I have no room in my life for anyone else. I cannot afford to look after myself properly, let alone anyone else, and until I love me, I cannot love somebody else.
I can't let anybody in. Your acts of kindness feels like pity, your generosity makes me feel like a charity case. And yes, I would cut off both arms for you if you truly needed me to. Because that is how I work; I would give my all to any of you, but do not think myself worthy enough to do the same for me.
I don't know why I'm telling you this - perhaps it's because I could never tell you to your face. I think i just needed to get it out, so I could hear it myself.
I'm not saying it for sympathy, or pity, or try and make you love me. I dug this hole that I am in, and I must climb out of it myself.
I will get through this. I must get through this. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. It will be difficult, and I will make tough decisions. I will have to drop off the social radar, but that is a small price to pay for my pride.
I am truly sorry for unleashing this rubbish on you. My mask of silliness, irreverence, and nonsense will be put back on, and normal service will resume.
And finally, I am very much aware of how lucky I am. There are so many people who do not have what I have, and who are much much worse off than me. I'm just a baby who has thrown its toys out of the pram.
Time for me to pick them all up.