Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Villains Stuffed Cats, Nutter Experience, and They're Strict At Mensa

I dedicate this blog to my Friends Emma and Alyn, who have both worried me greatly in the last 24 hours - but have negated that emotion by both being okay since.

You know the baddie with the cat in the James Bond films? Well there was no way that cat was real - or if it was. It was heavily sedated. I reckon it was a stuffed cat, or an animatronic puppet.
Cats are independent creatures, and seldom sit still if placed somewhere by its owner. Therefore if the cat in the lap (which is also the title of the only Dr. Seuss book to be banned worldwide) of the Bond villain was real, it would have been struggling like mad to get away.
As a result, the famous line "Ah, Mr Bond - I've been expecting you" would have been replaced by:
"Ah (ow! Ouch!) Mr Bond (sit still bloody cat! Ow! Stop scratching me), I've been (ouch! Buggering cat bit me - sod off then!) expecting you. Have you got any Savlon?"
And that also wouldn't have looked very menacing. So it was a stuffed cat.

A well documented story from my life is the tale of my brief marriage, and the unfortunate experience I had with the girl I married (Hello Samantha - hope you are choking on something). That whole event has been classified by me as my "Nutter Experience". Everybody is due at least one Nutter experience during their lifetime. This experience can take many forms - a strange man approaching you and saying that he knows where to get Goat, or that girl at the bar stuffing peanuts into her ears. It could manifest itself as a fleeting encounter, or as a relationship. However it happens, we've all got one due to us and you can't avoid it. If you get to 70 years of age without having one, don't think you've got away with it. Yours is still coming. In the first world war, there was a saying that somewhere there was a bullet with your name on it. Well, somewhere, somehow, there is a nutter with your name - on their pants.

And finally......

One condition of acceptance into MENSA (the organisation for people with a high I.Q) is that all memberships and associated privileges will be revoked immediately without appeal should the member in question be heard saying the word "Erm....?"

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