Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Car Carpet Hazards, Birds, and.....Numbers

Okay, I'm late writing this, so let's get straight to it:

Today I had car trouble - both interior and exterior. Inside, it was my car mats that gave me trouble. The mats in my car are not heavy, plastic ones that stay in one place - they are like carpet samples, but not as rigid. As a result they move about and crumple up when I drive (well the driver's side one does).

This happened to me this morning as I was driving into work. Because I drive a small car, have big feet, and long legs, I can't lift my foot off the clutch pedal properly, and have to slide it off instead. This makes me move the may and cause it to crumple. As a result, I caught my foot on the crumpled may when I went to change gear, and I almost stalled. I effectively tripped myself up whilst driving!

Externally I wasn't faring much better. When I got to my car this morning, the left hand side of the windscreen, the passenger door, and that side of the roof was peppered with bird droppings. But there was so much that there must have been a whole flock sat upon my car defecating on the passenger side. I couldn't believe how much there was! It took ages to clean it off, and whilst I was doing it, it took all my willpower not to vomit at the smell.

Talking of smells - what is the minimum number of people required in order to have an orgy? We know that two people are a couple, and that three people are a threesome. Four people are a foursome - or a quartet as swingers in Sussex like to be called, but how many people does there gave to be to be an orgy?

I was going to suggest that perhaps orgies are organised on a strict "Orafices to Limbs" ratio - but then I realised for this to work adequately, you would either have to invite people with limbs missing, or some with no Orafices.

Maybe five people is the minimum - but this is an odd number, so you would either have to organise the proceedings in a "Musical Chairs" kind of way, where someone eventually has to miss out, or you could introduce a little competition with rules such as "winner stays on".

So it must be an even number - after all, an orgy is just a grown up party and at all good parties, nobody goes home without getting something. I suppose the actual number depends on the venue; if the venue is too small then having lots of people will make it cramped and possibly difficult to 'manoeuvre' adequately. Conversely, having too few people in too large a space will result in unfortunate echoing - and you don't want that.

Orgies eh - logistical nightmares!

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