Friday, 20 January 2012

Nostril Hair Euthanasia......and Thinking I'm Doctor Doolittle

In the words of Albert Einstein's long suffering wife Ada, I just don't get it.

Nose hair - grey nose hair to be precise.

I am at that stage in life when the list of parts of me that need trimming gets (ironically) a little longer. To Fingernails, toenails, goatee beard, and eyebrows (they're more family trait - you should see my sister!), I now have to add nose hair. Actually, the correct term I suppose is Nostril hair - as Nose hair would suggest a hairy nose, which would just look weird.

Anyway for a while now, I have occasionally been of the appearance that I have a spider hiding up each nostril, with only their legs visible and so need to trim them.

In addition to this, as a general rule, some of the hair on my body is turning grey. I'm happy to say that this only appears to be happening in the Northern Hemisphere of my body, and as yet everything below the 'equator' is as it should be, pigment-wise.

But I've noticed something weird about my nostril hair. As we all know the hairs in our nostrils are sensitive and we know when something doesn't feel right. If you got stabbed up the nostril with a javelin, it would be the hairs in your nostril that would first alert you to the fact that something wasn't right.

Well sometimes, I get the sensation that one of my nostril hairs doesn't feel right - you could almost say it was painful, although that wouldn't be the right term.

Now being a bloke, whenever I get this sensation about my nostril hair, my one and only thought is to rip it out. I don't waste time rushing to the nearest mirror to see if I've got a small pony stuck up there, I just grab hold with my thumb and forefinger and yank it out. And what I have found is that everytime, the irritating hair I pull out is a grey one. Now why would that be?

I can't understand why the grey hair would irritate me when it is no different except in pigment to the other hairs in my nose? Could it be that this is a nostril hair form of Euthanasia? Is it possible that in hair terms, once a hair turns grey it has stopped being useful? Does it then automatically release a chemical that irritates me so I rip it out, ending its existence? If that was the case, why am I not frantically clawing at my head? That is covered in grey hairs! In hair terms, parts of my head look like the cast of "Cocoon".

It only happens with my nostril hair - I get the sensation of a nostril hair irritating me, and it's sat there saying "I'm here, kill me! Do it now!"


I'll tell you what else is weird; my apparent inability to walk past a field of cows without saying "moo!" to the bovine closest to me.

I did it today as I went on a walk. There was a field with some cows scattered about in it (no sense of organisation, cows), and as I walked past there was a cow just on the other side of the fence. Well, I couldn't help it - as I drew alongside this cow, I said "moo!" in a loud voice. But not just in my voice - I didn't just speak the word in my normal voice and tone, oh no. No, I had to try and make it sound like a proper cow mooes.

But why? What was I expecting? Did I think that in that one moment I would have cracked the secrets of cattle language, and would be able to converse with cows? Would I then become some sort of Bovine ambassador - bridging the gap between cattle and man?

To be honest, I didn't expect anything - the cow just ignored me. And its a good job too - imagine how shocked you'd be if you walked past a field with cows in, and the nearest cow to you suddenly said "afternoon."
You'd mess yourself!

Now that I think about it, I've also made animal noises at sheep, chickens, ducks, and goats in my time. I'm fairly safe in saying that we have all done it at one point or another in our lives. But I honestly don't know why -  for some reason when faced with an animal that grunts or bleats or mooes, us humans feel compelled to imitate it in the hope of making a connection. And if by the miracle that is coincidence the creature makes a noise a few seconds after we do, we convince ourselves that we were communicating with it.

Of course, it is interesting to note too that we never make noises at lions or tigers or anything that might rip our face off......

I can't talk to the animals. And neither can you.

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