Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Let's Play....Hypochondia Dominoes!

Firstly, I have composed this blog early, as I will be in too much pain later to write it at my usual time.

Why will I be in pain? Because I will be lying on my bed which is the only place in my house where I can write my blog using the App on my phone without losing signal.

But WHY will I be in pain? Because I have managed to do something to my back which has resulted in me being in constant pain - standing up, sitting down, lying down, on the toilet, off the toilet, walking, talking, thinking - pretty much every conceivable activity and position known to man, woman and beast hurts. I am in pain now, as I type this - but this pain is more bearable than the pain I get lying down. The problem is, that because I do not know what I have done to my back, I do not know exactly what is wrong.

And because of this lack of knowledge, the section of my brain that controls fear and worrying has started filling in the blanks......

Allow me to explain: Actually, it doesn't matter if you allow me to or not - you can't stop me, so I will explain anyway:
I have been experiencing sharp stabbing pain in the muscles on the left hand side of my back. I have been getting these when I move, or get up, or shift position. My first thoughts have been 'Oh, I've pulled a muscle in my back'.
Then I started noticing, occasional pain when I breathed in - this is plausible as the muscles on my back cover the back of my lungs, so as my lungs fill and my chest cavity expands these muscles move causing me pain. However, the pain I have been feeling has been at the side or front of my chest. Therefore, I automatically assume that I might have a punctured lung caused by a broken rib which I have previously mistaken for a pulled muscle in my back.

More recently, I have been getting a 'prickly' sensation across my chest. This only lasts for a few seconds, but it is a little itchy, and largely worrying. Now I'm thinking that along with my punctured lung, I could also be experiencing the early warning signs of an imminent heart attack. The fact that I have been drinking a lot of coffee lately - coffee which in large quantities can give you palpitations, and assorted other symptoms - is merely a coincidence. I'm going to have a heart attack. Probably on the toilet, like Elvis.

More recently, I have been getting a 'prickly' sensation across my chest. This only lasts for a few seconds, but it is a little itchy, and largely worrying. Now I'm thinking that along with my punctured lung, I could also be experiencing the early warning signs of an imminent heart attack. The fact that I have been drinking a lot of coffee lately - coffee which in large quantities can give you palpitations, and assorted other symptoms - is merely a coincidence. I'm going to have a heart attack. Probably on the toilet, like Elvis.

Furthermore, when I go to the toilet to do a "number two", I get pain in the muscles used to strain. These are the same muscles around the lower back which are probably the cause of my back pain, but as far as I am concerned, I might also have bowel cancer.



So I've got pain in my back, a punctured lung, the early symptoms of a heart attack, and probable bowel cancer.

Or that is what the worrying, paranoid part my brain wants me to think. I am definitely in a lot of pain, and am not getting much sleep, but it's only a bad back.

Incidentally, I do not mean to make light of any of the illnesses or injuries mentioned above. They are all awful things to have happen, and if anyone reading this has close experience of any of those, I meant no offence.

 Of course, if it turns out that it isn't just a bad back, and they find me contorted in pain on the toilet seat clutching my chest, I'd like the following inscription on my Headstone:

"Me and my big mouth!"



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