Thursday, 24 November 2011

Ever Increasing Self Doubt

As I type this, I am fighting the urge to leap out of bed and run downstairs. No, I don't need the toilet - the urge I fight is a mental one, not a physical one.

You see, part me (namely, the paranoid, constantly worrying part) isn't totally sure that I switched the cooker off 3 hours ago when my dinner was finished cooking, and now wonders if I should check. I don't want to go and check, but the paranoia has seeped into the recall section of my memory, and I can't be totally certain that I did switch the cooker off.
What isn't helping me is the fact that I can still smell my dinner on my breath (dinner involved onion and is repeating on me), but my brain is convincing itself that what I am actually smelling is spilt ingredients from tonight's dinner steadily cooking away on one of the hob rings that I've left on.

It's no good - I'm going to have to go check....

As I thought; I hadn't left the cooker on. When I walked into the kitchen I immediately knew the cooker was off, because the light on the socket that comes on when I turn the cooker on at the socket was off. However, I still had to turn on the kitchen light to "double check", with the frightened part of me saying 'the socket light could be faulty, best to check'.

I hate how I seem to be having these self doubts more and more. On almost a daily basis, when I leave for work in the morning I lock my front door, walk down my garden, turn out of my gate and say 'did I lock the door?'
I am aware that part of this worrying stems from previous experiences such as when I flooded an entire ground floor because I forgot to put the drainage hose from the washing machine in the sink.

What worries me is whether as I get older, will these instances of self doubt increase to the point that as an old man I will end up double checking every other action I do all day, everyday. Will I check that I have put my pants on, moments after pulling them on? Will I cook two meals every night only to remember three mouthfulls in to the second meal that I have eaten already?

I guess soon I will have to decide which is worse: the fear of not bothering to do something that could lead to disaster, or the feeling of constant self doubt.

Or I could just stop worrying and get on with life!

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