Thursday, 13 October 2011

Matters of Perspective, and Pressure.

I have noticed something strange going on when I cook. It would appear that I have a problem with "Portion Perception" - an inability to accurately calculate the right size portion for myself when preparing meals.

Take tonight for example; I decided to have Steak & Ale pie (2 for £3 in Co-op right now) with potatoes and veg (carrots and leeks). With the pie there is no ambiguity: you know exactly how much there will be both before and after it is cooked.
Like a farmer with a feisty crop, it is the vegetables that seem to give me trouble. For some reason I got no warning that two large potatoes (quartered), four carrots (chopped), and three leeks (as per carrots) would in fact fill the plate, leaving me no option but to balance my pie upon this mound of root vegetables as I ate.

There was enough food there for two meals, and yet in their un-peeled, un-chopped form they didn't look that much. I just couldn't visualise them cooked and on my plate, which is a bit of a worry. What's next? Will I merrily stuff 17 Weetabix into a bowl, and then be surprised when the four pints of milk I try to add to them overflows? Will I cheerfully keep toasting slice after slice of bread until the whole loaf is used up, only to stand confused amid the scattered toasted bread slices strewn across my kitchen?
Today, the National Obesity Ombudsman - OFFAT - released the results of a year long study into the causes of obesity. It's findings? We should eat and drink less (no sh*t Sherlock!).
I'm definitely going to keep a closer eye on what I consume - or I might lose my hunky, athletic physique!


Right, let me clear something up. This is for the benefit of all the ladies out there, and it relates to us men.

Contrary to popular belief, men do not intentionally urinate on or around the toilet seat. The issue here is a combination of pressure, geometry, and (to a small degree) ego.
When passing water, there is a certain amount of pressure which dictates how fast the water is passed. Because the device through which the water passes is flexible, and not solid all the time (if it was, you ladies would hang your car keys from it), the pressure of the water will make it move. In turn, this movement affects the angle at which the water leaves the device and heads towards the bowl.
Now I know you are all saying that all we have to do is hold it - and believe me, in certain circumstances we do. As any man will tell you, if you try to urinate with an erection hands free, you will either shoot yourself in the eye, or finally remove that cobweb from the corner of the bathroom ceiling.

So when we don't have to hold it, we don't - because this also gives us a chance to test our skill at counter acting the angle of trajectory of our water by making tiny adjustments to our stance, shifting our weight slightly, leaning forwards or backwards as we urinate. Ladies you will never know the sense of satisfaction gained by being able to urinate accurately with no hands. Likewise, you cannot comprehend the annoyance and self loathing caused by weeing on your own hand in a momentary lapse in concentration.

I would go as far as to suggest that the cause of unguided urination is young males learning the skills required to control their aim. These skills take many years to perfect, and (if you'll pardon the pun) it is very hit and miss.

What I can assure is that we are not standing over the bowl, with our hands on our hips jiggling about whilst trying to write our full name and address in urine across the bathroom.

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