I'm due to give blood again (woo hoo! Free biscuits afterwards!) on 1st November and - as is customary - along with my reminder letter is the questionnaire that I have to fill out.
This questionnaire asks me to confirm that I haven't gone anywhere or done anything that could make me illegible to donate ie had a blood transfusion and caught something unpleasant, travelled outside of the UK and caught something unpleasant (because Europe and the rest of the world is a bio-hazard filled petri dish compared to pristine, bacteria free Britain), or discovered within the past six months that my entire family is genetically disposed towards a full alphabet of hepatitis, and not just A, B, or C.
There is also a section titled "lifestyle", which basically asks about your sex life - and it is this section which depressed me. You see, if a ringing telephone could be considered the metaphor for a healthy sex life, then I am the phone in the florists chosen to take orders from grieving well wishers for Colonel Gadaffi's funeral.
Every question is a "no" answer:
'since your last donation, have you had sex with:
Anyone who is HIV positive: No.
Anyone with Hepatitis B or C: No.
Anyone who has ever been given money or drugs for sex: No.
Anyone who has ever injected drugs: No.
Anyone who has ever had sex in parts of the world where HIV/AIDS is very common: No.
My answers to this section never change - and are unlikely to whilst I am not getting any action. So these questions just act as a reminder of my appalling romantic success rate - so much so, that as I read and answer them, in my head I hear them as this:
Since your last donation, have you ever had sex with:
Anyone who isn't a famous fantasy: No.
Anyone who isn't inflatable: No.
Anyone who doesn't appear on those websites that make your pc crash: No.
Anyone that isn't yourself, using your other ARM and putting on a voice: No.
Are you ever likely to have sex again with:
A real, living person you sad, pathetic creature: No.
Of course I am embellishing the truth for comic effect, but it does in a small way remind me that I am in the wilderness.
One day I'll just tick yes to everything and add a footnote that reads "yes I've had every kind of sex with every kind of living thing - Animal, vegetable, mineral - I've done them all. In fact, will this donation take long? I'm expected back in 20 minutes for another no holds barred shag-a-thon!