Thursday, 29 September 2011

Light Fingered Planet Saving Criminals

I have a confession to make: Since I moved into my humble abode last year, my recycling has dropped off faster than a narcoleptic at a Political Party Conference. This has bothered me (although not that much clearly, as it has taken me 14 months to do anything about it), so I decided to ask the council for some recycling tubs. I rang my local council, and was pleasantly surprised to find out that the tubs would cost me nothing. I was told that delivery would take 6 weeks approximately - I assume because these recycled tubs happen to be made out of a special type of plastic which is only found in old Gary Glitter records, and you know how sales of those have dwindled.

Actually, I don't know if the green recycling tubs supplied for us to put our recycling in are actually recycled or recyclable themselves - wouldn't that be a news story if it turned out that all the recycling tubs in the world couldn't actually be recycled, and were destined to litter the planet long after the human race had expired, ending up as nests for hedgehogs, and sloths. Not in the same area, of course - you only find hedgehogs and sloths close together in Zoos aimed at attracting the easily frightened, where none of the animals make any sudden movements.

Anyway, it has almost two months since I put in a request for some recycling tubs and I still haven't seen them. Now either the council hasn't delivered them yet because they can't find enough copies of "I'm The Leader of The Gang (I am)", or some thieving git has stolen them. I will have to ring the council and check - not check if someone has stolen them, the council won't be able to answer that - and hope that they haven't dispatched them yet. But if it turns out that all the car boot sales in the country were told to hold a "Glitter LP" amnesty, and therefore recycling tub production had gone through the roof, and the council had indeed sent out my tubs, then I don't know what I shall do. Other than ask for some more.

I suppose that I shouldn't be too angry - at least someone is using the recycling tubs . Someone with a mixed up moral code admittedly, who wants to do their bit for the planet - but doesn't mind stealing from his fellow man in the process.
Or are they? What if they are using the tubs for another purpose? Maybe they are using them as massive jelly moulds in an attempt to cater for a large number of children at a young child's birthday party. Maybe they intend to make a scale model of the great wall of china on the beach, using the tubs to get huge 'bricks' with which to build. They might even be sticking two pairs of (equally stolen) roller skates on the bottom of these tubs to fashion a cheap go-kart for their child - who was also stolen from an orphanage and wears stolen clothing.

I'm sure there are many other uses for a recycling tub other than recycling. They could be used for bathing a particularly troublesome midget that usually thrashes about in the bath making a right mess on the lino, or perhaps they have been turned into plant pots and are filled with beautiful flowers - which were stolen from a graveside.

I could hypothesise about this for ever - and believe me, I'm tempted - but the fact remains that I do not have any recycling tubs at this time with which to do my bit. I will endeavor to obtain some more. In the meantime, I'm continuing to not help the planet.


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