Tuesday, 6 September 2011

The Disabled, Hitchhiking Spider of Doom!!!

I am not scared of spiders, but when I see a particularly big one, I get a bit funny about it being all legs and gangly.

Which is a feeling I imagine all of my ex-girlfriends can relate to.

A few days ago, I encountered a large spider in the male toilets at work. In order to avoid appearing like a girl when i told folk how "big and 'orrible" it was, I took this photo:
Spider Plumbers, Prefer Rulers To Tape Measures
As you can see, it was a fairly big chap. So big in fact, that seconds after this photo was taken, it snatched the ruler out of my hand and promptly ate it. Understandably, I made my excuses and left.

Yesterday, I was in the toilet again - not all day - when I saw said Arachnid again. This time he was in a better position to be photographed, so I did:
The Age Old Game of "Poke The Spider And Run"
Because I was without my ruler, I was forced to place part of my anatomy in close proximity to the Spider to give it some scale. Having my body close to such a hairy, leggy and disgusting creature filled me with revulsion.

Yet more solidarity with my ex's.

You will notice that the spider is missing a leg. I was already missing that leg when I saw it - I hadn't pulled it off in an unprovoked attack. I thought it might be a particular species of spider, one with only seven legs - but it turns out that it just lost one somewhere. I took my photo, and went to back to work.

The rest of my day was uneventful, as was my evening. I had a nice dinner, watched a bit of TV, and then came to bed. Lately, I've been having trouble sleeping, and again last night the sheep were refusing to jump over fences and let them count them. Between the hours of 10:30pm and 1:00am (roughly) I was restless and uncomfortable. I remember that a door downstairs was banging in a draft, and that I went down to close it properly. I came back upstairs, got back into bed - and then promptly got out again because I had left "big light" on in my bedroom - even though my bedside light was still on, and gave out sufficient illumination. As I got back into bed, having turned off big light, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I looked properly, and saw that it was a spider on my ceiling, so I got out of bed to get rid of it humanely. However, when I got a close look at it, I froze. This was the spider I saw:
Remember Me? We Met in The Toilets at Your Work a Few Days Ago...
Count the legs this spider has - and then tell me that it isn't the very same spider I saw at work!!
I couldn't believe it - this couldn't be the same spider, could it? But what are the chances of two of the same species of spiders having the same disability? Unless this particular type of Arachnid is predisposed to having its limbs drop off at random moments?
It looked like the same spider - in which case, how did it get in my house? I went through through the options:

1) In the brief moments we were in close proximity in the gents toilets at my workplace, the spider felt a strong emotional bond to me, like a dog has for its owner, and simply followed me home in the hope that I would take it in and keep it for my very own.

2) Like some sort of crazed Bond Villain, the spider blamed me and my ruler for the loss of its leg and had finally tracked me down seeking it's vengeance.

3) It hitched a ride home with me in my clothing.

Yes, number 3 nearly made me vomit too.

I have no other explanation for how this Spider - that looks a bloody awful lot like the disabled spider I saw in the toilets at work - found it's way onto my bedroom ceiling. It could have been in my trousers, in my coat, in my rucksack, anywhere. Well not anywhere - if it had been in my boxers, I would have known about it. It's been so long since anything has moved down there, I would have known straight away!

 Well, I didn't mess around - I grabbed an empty glasses cleaning kit tin (£5 from Marks & Spencers - an ideal stocking filler for the bespectacled love of your life), and trapped the spider in it. You know you've got a large spider when the sound of it's feet landing in the tin is loud enough for you to hear. I opened a window and shook the spider out. It was dark, but I think it landed on the window sill and scurried (limped) away.

Hopefully that will be the last I see of it. But you know what spiders are like for turning up again.

As a matter of course, I looked in the gents toilets today to see if I could see the spider.

It had vanished...........

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