Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Hatch of Mystery

Despite its best efforts, the severed arm couldn't escape

My House is old - I think about three hundred years old or so. The picture above is of my loft hatch. I have included my arm and hand in the picture to show just how tiny that loft hatch is. Now there is no way I will ever be able to get through that hatch and into my loft , and as a result, I have never looked in my loft. In theory, I could poke my head up through the hatch and have a look.

Sod it - I'm going to. Wait here a minute.

(talk amongst yourselves)

Well, I'm back. I was able to poke my head through the hatch - but not my shoulders so I couldn't really have a good look. As I tried to peer into the darkness, I could feel my head touching cobwebs. At that moment, a feeling of revulsion shot down my spine, along with a thought of "if a spider crawls on me I'm going to scream like a girl and soil myself".  I decided to retreat - but still wanted to know what was in my loft. Luckily, I had a flash of inspiration. I grabbed a torch and my mini video camera, raised my arms into the darkness,  and took a couple of pictures. This is what came out:

As you can see (or not) there is something up there. It's probably junk, but you still can't see all of the loft to be sure. Anyway, I didn't linger to long in the dark, with the musty smell of decay, as there might have been rats or stuff up there.
So I pulled my arms out and started to fiddle with the hatch to get it closed. I was having a wee bit of trouble, because the hatch appeared to be caught on something - and then I got the fright of my life.

Suddenly, the piece of cable in the picture here dropped out of the loft - straight in to my face. I hadn't noticed it when I initially poked my head up into the loft - so when it fell out, I nearly jumped out of my skin. In that fraction of a second when my eyes saw something come out of the hatch, but before my brain could process what it was, I was sure that piece of cable would be an arm, or a snake, or something horrible coming to get me.

I very nearly fell backwards off my arm chair!

From the size of the hatch, I can only assume that the people who lived in this house originally were very small - or that they just sent their Children up into the loft to fetch something. Or maybe that is where the children slept?
That was back in the days when children were useful - you could send them up Chimneys, or into small loft hatches, even use them to unblock sinks.

Not like today - lazy bunch of ingrates (shakes fist in an old-man-from-ScoobyDoo-cartoon style).

So the mystery of the loft hatch is (sort of) solved. I know there is stuff in my loft, and that it is most likely junk. I'm sure eventually, curiosity will persuade me to open up the hatch again, and investigate. But that will mean reaching into the darkness and - like a blind man at an orgy - just feeling things out. I'm also fairly sure that - like a Eunuch at an orgy - I won't be enjoying myself.

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