Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Mmmmm...........Disgusting...........(Drooling Noises)

As of this moment I have a kitchen designed by Old Mother Hubbard.

I get paid on Friday, but until then I have no food that can be combined with anything else to make a meal. Tonight I used up my last bag of Mince and made what I called "What's left in the cupboard" Bolognese. Today's incarnation of this desperate meal was created thus:

  • Put Oil in a pan. Add 500g of lean mince and start to cook until brown.
  • Whilst the mince is browning, into a jug mix 1 tin of chopped tomatoes, 2 small tins of tomato puree, a dollop of Reggae Reggae sauce, a few squirts of Reggae Reggae Relish, a big squeeze of Hot Dog mustard, a similar squeeze of Heinz Ketchup (it must be Heinz), a heaped teaspoon of English Mustard, a heaped teaspoon of Dijon Mustard, several splashes of Lea & Perrins Worcester Sauce, salt, pepper, Oregano, Chives, Parsley, Paprika, Mixed Herbs, and the juice of 1 Lime. Mix this together, taste, and see if you can avoid vomiting.
  • Add this "sauce" to the Browned Mince and leave to simmer for as long as you think it will take for the risk of poisoning to be minimised.
  • In the meantime, write out a will and put on three handfuls of Pasta.
  • When the Pasta is cooked, remove from heat, cover and leave while you make the mince cook for a little bit longer - just to be on the safe side.
  • When you are sure that the mince is a little over cooked, serve over pasta, type the number for the emergency services into your phone ready for you hit "call",  and eat.
In all honestly, it didn't taste that bad. But apparently, neither does a bullet in the split second before you blow your brains out. My biggest concern is what this meal will do inside me - and on its way out. Hopefully, the damage will be minimal. I say hopefully, because I made a job lot of this stuff and am having for tea again tomorrow.

If I live that long.

For similar recipes, please see my latest cook book  titled "Larry's Kitchen of Death"

Of course, once I get paid normal service will be resumed, and I will be back to eating proper meals that can't potential kill me.

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