Monday, 20 June 2011


I have a problem with Zombies. I don't mean like an infestation - I didn't come downstairs this morning and find a hole in my skirting board with a half eaten finger outside and think 'tsk! pesky Zombies have gotten into the walls again - now where did I put those traps?'

No, I'm talking about Zombies in Zombie films.

I've seen a few Zombie movies in my time - from the 80's Classics "Dawn of The Dead" and "Day of The Dead" to the 2004 remake of "Dawn of The Dead", right up to the 2009 Zombie comedy film "Zombieland". And in all these films, one thing is the same: Zombies - Thousands of them.


In most of the films I have seen, the cause of the Zombie population explosion is given as the dead rising overnight. One day everything is fine - the next, you can't move for flesh eating Zombies.
Now that is fair enough, but it should be stated as being that the recently dead have risen. Anything over 36 hours old, will have started to decompose and will therefore not work in the same way - tissue is eaten by bacteria and insects etc. and the body would not be able to hold itself upright.
So, we are really talking about Zombies less than 36 hours old. In 2007 it was estimated that approximately 155,000 people die worldwide each day. Lets round that up to 200,000 for today's standards, and then multiply that number by 1.5 (36 hours being a day and a half). That gives us 300,000 Zombies. But remember, that's 300,000 Zombies spread over the entire globe. The total area of all the landmass (that's the bits that aren't blue and wet) of the earth is approximately 57,511,026.002 square miles. If you divide that by the number of Zombies that have risen, you get 1 Zombie for every 191 square miles. Approximately. Now I don't know about you, but I can live with that.
Not with a Zombie - I meant I can live with there being one Zombie for every 191 square miles.

So that is that theory out the window.

But there is another thory. In one film I saw, there was some sort of virus that spread and made everyday normal folk like you and I, turn into horrible flesh eating bastards. This "virus" was passed on through the saliva of the Zombie, so as he (or she - female Zombies have equal rights too, you know) bit a victim, the virus would spread and the victim would die, and then come back as a Zombie.

But I have a problem with this theory too. In Zombie films, whenever you see a Zombie attack one of the stupid "non-Zombie" people that play the heroes  - you know the ones, they always go creeping around in the dark by themselves, or stand there oblivious to the fact that there is a Zombie creeping up behind them, even though the smell of decaying flesh would give them a hint - the Zombies always tear the victim apart and eat them. They never just take one bite - it's the whole thing every time. That is what they do, it's on their C.V. and everything.
But in order to spread the virus, just a single bite would do. So surely by ripping their victim to shreds, they are reducing the number Zombies rather than increasing it?
In all these films, you never see a Zombie attacking someone and say "Oh don't worry, I'm not going to tear you apart and eat your guts - I just need a little nibble to tide me over. There's a fat kid down my street that I've got my eye on for dinner tonight. Mmmm........fat kid.......(slobbering noises)"
So you really can't say that Zombieism (and that is the process of becoming a Zombie - and not a typical saying that only a Zombie would say) is caused by the spread of a virus, if the Zombies are eating everyone thus negating the virus spread, can you?

Another theory dealt with successfully.

However, I am a fair man. So let's just say that you wake up one morning and find to your utmost annoyance that Zombies are rife - in fact it seems that every Zombie on the planet is packed into the 191 square miles you just happen to live in. There they are, wandering around eating people without so much as a "good morning!". How are you going to survive? Well worry no more, here are some useful ideas:

  1. Make up and self-harm. Grab yourself some makeup, and colour your skin to resemble a Zombie. In addition, take a bite out of your own hand. Yes it will hurt - but at least you know you won't become a Zombie. With make up in place, and a piece of your hand missing, you are now free to roam around without fear of being attacked. Zombie's are mindless monsters, just flesh eating machines - they're not going to be able to tell that you are wearing eyeshadow, and that the bite radius on your hand matches your own teeth perfectly. They'll just think you are a Zombie like them and leave you alone.
  2. If in doubt, cut it out. In the unfortunate event that you do get bitten, act quickly and cut out the bite before the infection spreads. This can be tricky to do by yourself, so have a friend at hand to do the job for you. Bites to most areas can be removed by cutting around the area. Fingers, hands, feet, arms and legs, can all be cut off with a good chance of survival. Try to avoid being bitten on the neck, as the only solution to this is to cut off your head - and survival rates of this are low.
  3. Befriend an Amputee. Make friends with someone who has a prosthetic limb. Travel in pairs, and in the event of a Zombie attack, get your friend to offer the prosthetic limb to the hungry Zombie. While the Zombie munches on the fibreglass limb (or mahogany - depending on how rich your friend is), your friend detaches said limb and you escape. Much like those lizards that avoid capture by losing their tails. Of course, this escape method only works once - unless you befriend someone with multiple "fake" limbs.
  4. Attack Their Vision. Now this is a more dangerous way of surviving a Zombie attack, as it involves interaction with a Zombie. There are two things you can do: Firstly, you can cover one eye of the Zombie with an eye patch, thus affecting its depth perception. Eye patches can be found in hospitals or Pirate outfitters. Again it's a good idea to work in pairs here - one distracts the Zombie while the other runs up behind and slips the eye patch on. Once on, the Zombie will not be able to tell how far in front of it you are, giving you more time to escape. This works very well with one-eyed Zombies. The second thing you can do is to put a pair of prescription glasses on the Zombie. As anyone who doesn't need glasses will tell you, putting on someones glasses really messes with your vision - plus, it can give you a nasty headache. So not only will you be preventing the Zombie from being able to find you as easily, you'll also be getting your own back in a small way. Which is nice.
Of course, there is the old adage "prevention is better than the cure", so why not take steps now to avoid a Zombie attack in the future, by bringing in compulsory cremations. That way, if there is a plague of Zombies in the future, the worst thing a pile of ash can do is set off your asthma.

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