Saturday, 30 April 2011

What's That Coming Over The Hill?.............

Don't you just hate it when you hear a noise downstairs late at night, and in spite of your age and maturity, part of you still thinks it is a mad axeman waiting to chop you up into little pieces?

There I was in bed last night alone (just in case you wondered), when I heard a noise downstairs. This noise sounded just like the noise my bathroom door makes when it bangs gently against the latch as it is blown by the draught caused by my bathroom window being open. In fact, it sounded so much like it, that ninety percent of my brain told me that it was just my bathroom door banging against the latch.

The trouble is, that late at night,  I don't listen to the ninety percent of my brain. I only listen to the nervous, paranoid ten percent  - the ten percent that was saying "it could just be the bathroom door banging.....but it could also be a psychotic, axe-wielding zombie pirate trying to lure you downstairs." I lay there for a moment, listening. The noise from downstairs continued rhythmically - almost too rhythmically to be just a draught moving the door. As I contemplated my next move, I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep while the banging noise continued downstairs, but at the same time I didn't want to nip down in my birthday suit (a wrinkly, mo-hair type little number that has seen better days) and come face to face with this:


Mind you, if I had come face to face with this thing whilst I was naked, it would be a toss up (and that is SO not the right phrase to use) who would be the more scared - him or me.

And this is where the problem lies; I like being scared (if you had met my ex-wife, you would understand), and I like horror films, especially the more modern ones with Zombies in. However, once I have watched one, my imagination tries to convince me that in every room with the light off, or in the garden at night there are hordes of these flesh eating monsters just waiting to pounce. As a result, I nearly soil myself every time I lock up and switch off the lights.

That's the thing about the imagination. When I lock up at night, I'm assured that a basic lock in a upvc door will stop a gang of murderers, robbers and pirates from ever getting in and murdering me, stealing my property, and.......erm..........pirating about the place. I find it funny to imagine this group of baddies hiding in the darkness, as I lock my door and say "that'll keep the robbers, murderers and pirates out" - and then they all give a disappointed groan and trudge off, like a group of four year olds at a party that have just been told the clown isn't coming.

I know that there aren't any Zombies waiting for me in the corner of my bathroom while the light is out, but fear is irrational - it removes the comforting, and replaces it with our deepest terrors. So I'll always lock up as fast as I can, and run to turn the light on - because we all know that all monsters are susceptible to a thirty watt bulb.

And of course, if you are to scared to go down and face the monsters or the mad axe man, that are patiently waiting for you (they have got other people to scare you know), you can always resort to the age old, tried and tested anti monster/murderer protection system of pulling the duvet over you head. Nothing protects against axes or flesh eating zombies like a load of polyester stuffed into a cotton outer.

As I finish typing this, I notice the sun has set and darkness surrounds my house. Right now, the zombies, axe murderers, robbers, and pirates, are all congregating in the dark shadows of my garden - discussing the continuing good weather, and how fabulous the Royal Wedding was (perhaps).

In a moment I shall lock my back door - and tell them to bugger off.

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