Monday, 4 April 2011

Why Yoda is a Real Drag, Top Tip for A4 Paper, and I Want a Triffid!

It's a well known fact that Yoda is one of the most popular characters from the Star Wars saga. He is wise, small enough to be classed as cute, and yet deadly with a lightsaber. You could do a lot worse than pick him to be by your side in a fight.
However, it's not all humorous backward speaking and teaching you the force - oh no; there is an unfortunate downside to our little green friend.

No matter what you say to him, everything leads to the dark side. As powerful and knowledgeable with the Force as he his, his watchfulness over the Dark Side of the Force has warped his tiny little mind. There's a scene in "The Phantom Menace" where the rubbish Yoda meets young Anakin Skywalker, and finds out that Anakin is sad about missing his mother. Yoda replies "Be mindful of your feelings - sadness leads to fear; fear leads to anger; anger leads to the dark side".

Incidentally, If you don't know what I mean about the rubbish Yoda, look at these pictures:
This is Yoda from "The Phantom Menace" - definitely a Sesame Street reject. He looks like Oscar the Grouch's cousin!.

This is Yoda from "The Clone Wars" - what an improvement! He looks ten times better!


And here we have Yoda from "Revenge of The Sith" - mean, moody, and magnificent. Now compare this picture, to the first one. You see the difference!!

Anyway, like I said, No matter what you say to Yoda, he will always turn it round so that it leads to the Dark Side of the force. For example:

You're at a wedding reception with Yoda (he's your "plus one"), and you are at the buffet table getting some nibbles. Obviously, Yoda can't reach - and you've banned him from using the Force to levitate food to his paper plate - so you are asking him what he wants: (You) "Sausage Roll, Yoda?" (Yoda) "No...Sausage Roll leads to heartburn; heartburn leads to pain; pain leads to anger; anger leads to the Dark Side!"

Or you might be discussing what to do with the family during the summer holidays with Yoda (who you are now in some sort of weird relationship with?), and suggest going to Centre Parks for a week. It's a perfectly good suggestion, that is until Yoda replies: "Centre Parks? Dangerous they are - quality of chalet's are poor; unclean they are - many insects. Dirt leads to anger; anger leads to fear; fear leads to suffering; suffering leads to the Dark Side!!"

You just couldn't take him anywhere - which is why he spent his last days living alone on Dagoba. he got kicked out of the Jedi Council for ruining their Christmas parties every year for nine centuries.

It's true!.


Now, those of you that work in an office will know how difficult it can be to count out individual pieces of paper from a fresh ream of blank A4 paper, or a pile of single sided notes. The problem I believe is caused by static between the sheets (A problem I'm very familiar with, I'm afraid to say), which holds them together. You can pick up the pages of paper and blow through them - but this doesn't always work on every sheet, plus you might get some spit in between the pieces of paper.
However, a simple solution is at hand - literally. This works best with roughly half a ream of paper, which is 250 sheets. You need to have the paper nice and square on a surface which won't allow the paper to move. Avoid glass, a normal desk surface will do.
Have the pile of paper on the desk in front of you. Make a fist but leave your index finger out - as if you are pointing at something.
Now, fold your index finger back under itself so that the knuckle is now pointing out.
Put the knuckle of your index finger in the middle of the top sheet of the pile of paper, and start making circles clockwise. Keep your knuckle in contact with the paper.
As you make the circles the sheets of paper will begin to fan out, making it much easier to count out a smaller number of sheets as required.
And if you want to tidy the paper back up? simply make counter-clockwise circles with your knuckle on the paper, and it will magically go back to its neat original state.

Simple but effective.


For a long time, I wanted a Venus Fly Trap. I hate flies, and in previous years the house I was living in was inundated by them. We hung fly strips up - several of them - but I kept catching myself of them (a combination of my height and my lack of spacial awareness), and finding myself stuck face first on a strip of paper containing dead and dying flies didn't leave me with a good taste in my mouth.
Well now I live alone, and as Fly season is approaching, I'm thinking about getting one or two Venus Fly Traps.
The trouble is, I then began thinking about whether you could cross breed (or pollinate, or whatever you call it) a Venus Fly Trap with one of these Giant Sunflowers that you see on the news each year. How fab would that be? If you are bothered by next doors cat crapping in your garden, get yourself a Triffid, and hey presto! problem solved.

For those of you who don't recognise the term "Triffid", you need to google "The Day of The Triffids", which was a sci-fi movie about giant carnivoerous plants that attacked people.

If you got enough of them, they could be a burglar deterrent - simply dangle an old trainer from one of the plants, and leave a bag marked "swag" at the bottom, and you could leave your front door unlocked, or even open without a care in the world.

I don't know if it's ever been tried, but I'd love to know if it would work!! And if it did, I'd get one - my own triffid!

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