Monday, 11 April 2011

Restaurant Music, and The Trouble With Toilets

Oh, I'm not good. I've had too many beers, and too much indian food, and I am on the verge of throwing up all over my laptop (that's CNTRL, ALT + V). My head is throbbing, and my vison is blurred.

I have to stop typing every now and then and take a few deep breaths, lest I sliup into alcoholic slumber. Please accept my apologies now if this post is riddles with poor grammar, appalling spellling, and writing that makes no sense.

Mind you, looking at my previous and recent posts, how could you tell the difference?


 So, who exactly writes the music that gets played in Indian restaurants? I've been out tonight for a fair few bevvies, and a very nice curry at the Indian next door. Certain people tell me that they proprietor is actuallly from Bangladesh, but I don't split hairs, and call it an Indain restaurant - no offence intended.
Anyway, during an awkward silence in the conversation I couldn't help but notice the appalingly mediocre music being played in the background. It was a mixture of lift music and the unreleased Richard Clayderman Album (you'll have to google him to fully get the joke).
I don't know if there are musicians dedicated to writing the sort of music that is suitable for lifts and restaurants, or whether there are aspiring musicians who are forced to sell their early efforts to restasurants and hotels in order to fund their music career.
Either way the music they play in my local Indian restaurant is both unobtrusive and infuriating. I wonder if you can buy an album of such auditory delights?

As those of you who regularly read my posts will know, I went to London. What you don't know is that I had a rather unfortuante and unpleasant  experience involving the toilet on the train. I was called to the convience by a pressing matter involving my bladder, and proceeded to "do the needful" As you will recall, Saturday was a scorchingly hot day. I have a pair of prescription sunglasses, which I was wearing at the time, with my regular glasses tucked into the top of my polo shirt. Unfortunately, as I was spending the proverbial penny, I made the mistake of leaning a wee (no pun intended) bit too far forward, and watched in horror as my glasses fell tumbling into the pool of golden water in the bowl below.
With a sigh of familiar resignation, I retrieved my glasses from the toilet bowl, washed them thoroughly, smelled them, washed them again, and then put them in my pocket.

As the sigh of familiar resignation will have indicated, this wasn't the first time I had had a run in with a toilet. The other "incident" took place in 2006. I had just got a new mobile phone, which had a built in radio. I spent most of my time listening to the radio through my headphones on my phone. One morning I listened to the radio all the way to work on the bus, all the way while I walked to the office from the bus stop, unlocked the door, and then as I got the message from my brain that my bowel and bladder needed emptying.
I walked to the male toilet still listening to the radio, and carefully put my mobile on the cistern as I "did the needful".
The trouble began when I finished. I stood up, and turned to look into the bowl at my handy work. We all do it - either to see if we it has gone though cleanly (a hole in one), or to see how big it is (think of those pictures in the back of Angling Times, where those blokes pose with their biggest catch) - it's a pride thing. However, as I turned to look into the bowl, I forgot that I still had the headphones in, and could only watch in horror as my new mobile phone got pulled into the fetid bowl.
Vital seconds were lost as I instinctively reached down to grab my phone, before realising what I was about to put my hand into. Eventually, I bit the bullet and retrieved my phone. I took it home, took it to faeces - I mean pieces - and left it in the airing cupboard to dry. In the end, it worked fine - but I didn't like using it, as there was a slight lingering smell........

So it's fair to say that my experiences with toilets has not been the best so far...........

Right, I'm of to bed - but not before a couple of pints of water to counteract the dehydration.

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