Firstly, let me apologise for not posting this post yesterday (18th April 2011). As my Facebook friends will know, I went out to a quiz night last night. What they (and you) don't know is that I didn't get back until late after having a wee bit too much to drink and was too tired and wasted to write my blog, or even focus.
So without further Fondue, here is yesterday's blog:
I've just been grossed out by a cartoon. I had just got in from work, and stuck the TV on while I had my post working day cup of tea. The Simpsons was on Sky One, and as a big fan it was the obvious choice. But on this occasion, I found it unpleasant to watch. The story was about how Lisa found a flower or a herb that gave off a scent that improved peoples mood. This pharmaceutical company made it into a pill for the elderly - but Bart started to sell it to old folk off the street before it had been properly tested. Initially, all seems fine; the old folk are happier and more active, and Bart is making a load of money. But then, the previously unknown side effect kicks in - and people eyes start falling out of their sockets and dangle in front of their heads, like this:
Now all of this was very funny to me - but the whole eye dangling from the socket bit was just too disgusting for me. Ironically, I've seen eyes ripped, squeezed and gouged from people's sockets in horror movies, and it doesn't bother me at all.
I love the Simpsons, but they should leave eyes alone.
Recently I've been having weird nights in bed. I am usually a quite heavy sleeper, but I do take a long time to get to sleep. I find it hard to get comfortable, and spend a lot of my time changing position, taking the duvet off me, putting it back on, and turning over the pillow to get the cool side - you have to have the cool side, am I right?. Everything has to be just right. You know how a dog walks round in a tight circle before lying down? Well I do the equivalent in bed.
You would think that after spending so much time sorting myself out, I would be able to enjoy a peaceful and restful nights sleep. I would certainly like to think that, but oh no - this is me we're talking about. You may recall I recently offered up the concept of the brain having a day shift and a night shift - each looking after the brain in different ways. Well recently, my night shift hasn't been doing it's job properly but instead has been messing around and generally playing silly buggers. The result is that I am waking up really badly disorientated. The most recent example of this was Sunday night. I went to bed around Midnight on Sunday, which is far too late if I'm working the next day I might add. After a good twenty minutes wrestling with the duvet (the duvet won by submission) I fell asleep. About half an hour later I woke up - convinced that it was 6am and time to get up. The fact that there was no light coming through the chink in the curtains (I could make a horrendously non politically correct joke about Oriental home furnishings here, but I won't) made no difference. It was only the fact that my radio alarm clock sits on top of the dresser where my underwear is kept that alerted me to the real time. As I rushed towards the dresser, the orange blur that was the digital display of the clock came into focus, and several pennies dropped. I stood there for a moment in silence, mentally asking my bladder if it needed the loo. When I got no response, I went back to bed, and to sleep.
I woke up again at about 4:30am - but much more bizarrely. I sat bolt upright in bed, shouted "It's alright, I heard it!" and then switched my bedside lamp on and off three times. And the reason for this weirdness? I was having a dream where me and my partner, whoever that was (Cameron Diaz I hope) were in some sort of game show and we had to light our light when we heard a specific noise. I don't know what the noise was that we were listening out for - a cow coughing, crisp packets being run over on gravel, or the sound that doves make when they cry (I saw a Prince video on TV earlier) - but the moment I heard it, I knew I had to light the light. Which is why I turned my bedside lamp on and off three times. And why did I shout "It's alright, I heard it!"? Because as gorgeous as she is, Cameron Diaz got a bit excited when she heard the noise, and she kept jumping up and down screaming "that's the noise Larry! that's the noise!". But that's Cameron Diaz for you - physical perfection, but a bit annoying at times.
Anyway, the light going on and off three times brought me to my senses and I realised where I was. I also realised that Cameron Diaz wasn't with me - so I laid back down and cried myself to sleep.
Sadly this isn't the first time that I've woken up and done weird things. Once I woke up, grabbed a clean pair of boxers out of a drawer and then got back into bed and went back to sleep firmly clutching them to my chest.
Another time I woke up, got my portable stereo and wrapped the power lead around it several times. I then put it on the floor with a shoe stood upright on top of it, and put a can of deodorant in the opening of the shoe. Why? because I knew I had to make a beacon to warn somebody.....
I'm beginning to see a pattern forming which could lead to understanding why I am single.......