Friday, 18 March 2011

Procrastination, and Death by Chocolate

Firstly, the title of this post - is it just me, or does that sound like terrible English when you say it? Have I made a pigs ear of the grammar and wording? Those of you who know about such things, please let me know if I should have worked harder at school.....

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I am a bit rubbish. When my last relationship ended, and I found myself in my current abode and singleness, I made a mental to-do list. This is not to be confused with a crazy to-do list, where you write down ridiculously stupid things to do,  such as:  lick the postman, shave half your hair off, call everyone you speak to "Dave", and interrupt yourself when talking to somebody by putting a finger to your temple, looking skyward and shouting "alright, I'll tell them!"
On my mental to-do list are such things as: visit various friends and family around the country, do a creative writing course, learn sign language, get a six pack. Of these, to-date, I have only partially achieved one: Learn Sign Language. As many of you will know I am in the process of learning the basics, with a view to further learning.
The point I'm trying to make is that I have been in my current situation for almost a year now, and I have not achieved all that I set out to. My problem is that I am lazy, and lose motivation. To be honest, you'll be lucky if I get to finish this post, rather than give up half w

It's okay - I'm still here. Who says you can't be funny in a blog? The Anti-Blog Humour League (or the ABHL as they like to be known), that's who - but I defy them! I laugh in their faeces, and wedgie them with disdain!. I'm sorry - I appear to be having "a moment"...I'm okay now. Yes, I'm lazy - and I hate it. I'm going to make a concerted effort to get on with these things I want to do. I have a plan, and I'm going to see it through. Nothing will happen until after May, which is when I go to Scotland with my best mate, and his brother and sister and her boyfriend for a week of laughs and adventures in the highlands. I am currently saving up petrol and spending money which is why I am not thinking of doing anything else. I have laid the groundwork for a trip to Edinburgh in September to visit my mums best friend, and catch up with some other fabulous people in the vicinity, but apart from that, nothing else is planned. Once I get back from the Highlands in May, I will be calling folk, and making plans. I'm not booking a holiday this year, but will take long weekends where possible.

Talking of the weekend, it's the weekend! I have nothing planned apart from watching the last Six Nations Rugby matches, housework - I am domesticated, don't you know - and chilling out. The weather is going to be good tomorrow, so that will make it all the more enjoyable.

Obviously, I will be eating chocolate at some point - maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. Maybe today AND tomorrow. You never know with me, it's like Russian roulette. Except nobody dies. I wonder what odds I'd get on my choking to death on a chunk of Cadbury's whole nut? Would I choke to death? Surely the chocolate would melt, allowing the chunk to slip down my throat, no? You never get a whole peanut in a chunk - it's always a half, or a piece - so I'm not worried about choking on a nut, but would the chocolate melt fast enough? I like my chocolate cold, I keep it in the fridge - so that might cause a problem.

Unless, I have a hot drink nearby that I can swig on in the event of choking. That would melt the chocolate faster - but would probably also result in a scalding accident. Can you scald yourself internally? I assume you can....yes, I'm sure you can, but I'd hate to experience it.
Please, don't try to find out for me kids - I'm not that desperate to know.

In the event that irony is on the phone to the Grim Reaper giving him my address, and I do happen to die whilst eating chocolate this weekend, please put the following on my Gravestone:

"Died as a result of choking on chocolate - combined with a fear of internal scalding which prevented him from taking the hot drink which probably would have saved his life."

Please make sure my Gravestone is landscape, not portrait.


  1. Very good Beautiful Freak.
    Keep em coming.
    Much best mate love

  2. Love it Larry. It's so typically you. Welcome to the wonderful world of blogging

  3. Sitting exams this week and next myself and i'm procrastinating by reading your blog about procrastination and i'm quite enjoying the way it goes hand in hand. Thank you for giving me a few extra minutes of procrastinatory (yeah, i made up a word... at least i think i have) time.

    Simon Walker