Tuesday, 22 March 2011

I should be a Doctor that Also Sings Soprano - and Has a Full Head of Hair. I'd Be Happier, Apparently.

Sometimes I think that I really was meant to be a doctor. Not because of a keen interest in the workings of the human body, or my caring demeanour and reliability when it comes to all things confidential, but because of my horrendous handwriting. You really don't know how lucky you are not to be reading this in my handwriting, because basically you wouldn't be able to. At the age of almost forty, I still have the handwriting of a toddler.

I don't know why my handwriting is so terrible - well I do, and I don't. My handwriting is bad because I obviously didn't learn to write properly - or I did up to a certain age, and then just didn't bother trying. Another factor may be that I am left handed. This might not seem like a relevant cause to you, and I'm sure all of the left-handed people with lovely handwriting and a calligraphy set would write me the most beautiful letters pointing out the fact that I am obviously the exception to a very eloquent rule. However, what you don't realise is that I don't know if I'm really left handed at all.!!.......(gasps of shock from the readers).

Let me explain; I have a clear memory of infant school where I am learning to write with my right hand. But for some reason, this memory is a singular one and I soon afterwards began writing with my left hand. I cannot imagine why I changed hands. Was it under the instruction of my teacher? Had my parents noticed that I predominantly used my left hand for the other things I did as a smalll child? - stuffing worms into my mouth, poking the cat, picking my nose (and then poking the cat), stretching my willy every time I had a bath (somethings never change). Am I a right handed person trapped in a left hander's body? Consider these facts: If playing Cricket, I hold the bat and face the bowler like a right handed player; when playing snooker, I hold the cue in my right hand and guide it with my left; When I played football in goal, I always dived better to my right - as the ball passed by on my left.

Something is not right (no pun intended) somewhere. It probably is just the fact that I didn't bother practicing my lettters. I dabbled in joined up writing for a while - the dark arts of writing - but the demons that were conjured terrified me. Being left handed has another problem for writing: smudging. If a the ink in a pen has the smallest chance of being able to be smudged, I'm all over it like adults who should know better on a bouncy castle. Many of you reading this now will have at some point in the last year received a Birthday or Christmas card from me with smudge marks in it, which give the card the appearance of suffering from domestic violence. That is why I should be a Doctor, because of my horrendous epileptic-spider-walking-through-ink handwriting. Actually, I have applied several times to be a member of the medical profession, but never got shortlisted for interview. Perhaps the handwritten application form let me down.......

I don't have a very manly voice. Certainly not consistently, anyway. it would appear that given any situation where vocal interaction with another human being is required - especially a human being I do not know - then my vocal chords seem to choose to switch to "Justin Bieber" mode. As I type this, I am greeting imaginary people, and my voice has a nice manly and deep resonance to it. Put me face to face with someone, and it's Joe Pasquale all the way.
I don't know why it happens - it's not nerves, I'm certain of that. Maybe there's a chemical imbalance in my vocal chords, which could be resolved with some sort of supplement , or maybe it's down to dehydration or lack of moisture. Whatever it is, it sounds like I'm possessed by Michael Jackson.
I'm really not happy about it - it is embarrassing. To my ears, when I out with my mates it sounds like an episode from the Barry White and Mickey Mouse show. I know I can get round it if I concentrate on what I'm going to say, but that doesn't really allow for flowing conversation or me being good company.
To my friends and family, and those who I will speak to in the future I can only apologise: in terms of conversation, I will from now on be more of a listener than a talker. I will try to remember to speak in a deeper tone, as only dogs and Superman will be able to understand me otherwise.

According to the TV Advert for Regaine Foam "We are at our best with a full head of hair". Have you ever heard such rubbish in your life!? And I'm not saying that because I look like my forehead suffered an earthquake and the skin Tsunami washed most of my hair away. These people are saying that to be at our best we each need to have a full head of hair. Why not say "Bald men are losers!" or "No hair? might as well kill yourself now - you've nothing to live for!"
Adverts like this one, and that awful advert about "Acid Erosion in Teeth" - where they get that UV light which shows that our teeth are melting away like ice cubes in boiling water because we ate fruit - play on our fears and stereotypes, and we shouldn't fall for it. Are the Regaine Foam people trying to tell me that Ming The Merciless would never have been beaten by Flash Gordon if he had a shaggy perm? Would Bruce Willis have saved the day with no bother at all from the baddies, and have not to had go through all the trouble he did if he was sporting a mullet? Of course not!! We are at our best because of what we hold inside - not because of shampoos, or toothopaste, or creams, or lotions. These things are superficial - they only make us feel better, not make us better.

Being the best starts with believing in yourself. And for me, with the new Gilette Hydro Razor! Moisture activated gel provides our smoothest and closest shave yet........blah blah blah....

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