Sunday, 20 March 2011

Garlic - Friend or Foe?

I was watching a film today called "Shadow of The Vampire" its set in the 1930s around a German film director who is making a vampire film - but is using a real Vampire in the lead role. Various people start disappearing, and no-one can figure out why. I like it because it's got Eddie Izzard in it, and although it's not a comedy, some of his facial expressions and mannerisms are just fantastic. Anyway, there is this one scene where a woman is found in her room doped up to the gills on Morphine, while the Vampire creeps around outside. This got me thinking: If a Vampire drank the blood of someone who had recently injected themselves with Morphine, would the Vampire then be affected by the Morphine also? I don't know if Morphine can be absorbed through the stomach, or if it has to be put directly into the blood stream, but if it can be absorbed through ingestion, then surely the Nosferatu in question would succumb to the effects? If so, the victim would ultimately get revenge by making the Vampire so 'out of it' that it would not be able to find it's way back to it's coffin before sunrise, and would therefore instantly turn to ashes as the first rays of sunlight touch it.
I then thought that if that theory worked, would it also work with Garlic? If you were surrounded by Vampires with no means of escape, you could inject yourself with Garlic Oil. Then, the Vampire drinks your blood, the Garlic is in the Vampire, Vampires are allergic to Garlic, and they die. Simple, yes?
Well, I'm not so sure.
Firstly, apparently Garlic Oil can kill you if it gets into your bloodstream. There is an urban legend that Mafia Hit men used to coat their bullets in Garlic Oil so that if their shot was off target, they were guaranteed results from the Garlic Oil. The truth of the matter is that you would need a large quantity of Garlic to do yourself real damage - somewhere in the region of 18grams of Garlic. Lesser amounts of Garlic will only lead to lesser injuries, including: Anemia, Vertigo, and failure of the testicles ability to produce semen. Now 18 grams of Garlic might not sound like a lot, but a .38 calibre bullet weighs 10 grams approximately (according to the Internet), so you'd have to put a lot of garlic around the bullet - which in turn leads to firing problems etc. If you use less garlic to ensure the bullet can be fired properly, the best you can hope for (if the bullet doesn't kill the victim) is that he will suddenly be very scared of heights, and his wife will be very pissed off.
Secondly, if Vampires only suffer an allergic reaction to Garlic, surely they only need to take a Antihistamine and the effects of the Garlic are cancelled. In all the Vampire films I've ever seen, the Garlic never does any physical damage - it only makes the Vampire hiss, pull it's cape up to cover it's face, and make it turn away. What you don't see is the Vampire sneezing constantly with its eyes streaming. However, it won't belong before Vampires discover Antihistamines, and the Garlic defence is doomed. The only way around the problem of Vampires alleviating their Garlic allergy  would be to fake an allergy yourself, ask the Vampire if they have an Piriton tablet, and when they give you the box (which they will, as they can appreciate how you are suffering), destroy it somehow. Or you could smother the tablets in garlic. But make sure you put enough garlic on the Piriton to ensure that the Vampire is dead before the Piriton starts to work.

Of course, whatever you do won't detract from the fact that you yourself will still be killed by the vampire. Unless of course you show the Vampire you injecting yourself with Garlic Oil, in which case he (or she - equal rights for blood suckers) will be less inclined to drink your blood. But then whilst you might have survived a vampire attack, you will be impotent and unable to visit the viewing platform of the Empire State Building. just pretend to inject yourself with Garlic Oil, but actually inject yourself with water coloured green (I assume that is the colour of Garlic Oil?). That way, the Vampire still won't attack you, and you can have children in high places.

So to survive a Vampire attack you will need: Make up - to redden your eyes to fake an allergy; Garlic - to smother on any Piriton tablets the attacking Vampire may have; a syringe filled with garlic coloured water; a syringe filled with garlic oil in case all of the previous fail; a self help book on overcoming Vertigo, and the number if your local impotency help clinic.

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